Friday, June 27, 2008

Wait and see


I am so tired today. I have been tired for the whole week. I think I must get older. My life rountine is all the same, but a bit more stressful as there are so many things to worry and think about.

Mindfulness and Buddhism help me a lot due to the feeling of 'letting go'. I think we should try our best in everything. But we have to 'wait and see' as well. Sometime our best we can do is only just 'wait and see' and 'let go' after the best has been done.

Mindfulness helps me to 'wait and see' peacefully and accept the result of everything as the way it is with (hopefully) a happy mind. I am trying to be more brave to be with all happiness and unhappiness arising. It is not easy because normally we try to avoid being with (mental) suffering by doing a lot of things especially changing our attention (mental object) to other things such as listen to music, watch T.V., meditate to calm the mind. This is what we always do when we feel bad. But if we are brave enough to be with sufferings, we will be able to see the nature and real characteristics of the mind, sufferings and all mental states which are suffering, non-self and impermanent. If we always disturb the mental states, we can never see all these things.

Have you have a nice weekend

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I am sick...

I am now sick from a cold. It has started on Thursday. Then it was getting bad. SO I decided to stop working on Friday to have a rest at home.

I notice that it is hard to be mindful when we are sick. The mind is so dull and sleepy. I have tried to do Vedananupassana Satipathana - physical suffering. But to do that well , you have to have strong Samatha meditation until you can see that Vedana (physical and mental suffering) is not you, yourself. It is other thing. But my Samatha meditation is not strong enough. I can watch my mind only a few time and I can see that there is some unhappiness there as I want to get better as soon as possible. I cant work and do things as I have planned. I have to lay down most of the time. However, before going to bed, I still do walking meditation as much as I can. It helps me to be mindful of the body movement esp the main postures such as walk, sleep and sit. I cant say that I am mindful most of the time. But it is better than the past that i was deluded in my thoughts all the time and never be with the present moment.

Ven.Anan Akinjano said that we have to practice meditation a lot. It would help when we are sick. Normal people have unclear and unhappy mind when they are sick. But if we are mindful of it esp the feeling towards the pain such as unhappiness and anger (or be mindful of the physical suffering - if you can), we will never hate any kind of sickness as it is a part of nature. We are more likely to have equnimity towards it. Then the mind will be even more calm and wholesome and mindful as there are no unhappiness and anger there.

Today is a birthday of lovely cute monkey. Hope he has a happy birthday.

Have a good weekend

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Happy Birthday to B

Tomorrow (6th June) is my second sister's birthday, the one who is the judge. I already gave her a little Buddhist amulet (a copied of the Emerald Buddha) since last month. I really wish her all the best.

I am quite happy today as i have finished the proposal for my future supervisor (Prof. Peter Saunders). I really feel bad about this as I am so late. I am supposed to finish it since last month. But when we are crazy, there is no motivation and concentration to read or work. I dont blame anyone about this, just myself who still cannot let go and have equannimity among both good and bad situations. This is what i really have to improve myself. My life depends mostly (even too much) on the mental happiness. When I am happy, the world is so beautiful and i can work a lot. But when I am sad, nothing is finished. I have noticed it clearly, but I am not strong enough to keep working. And the result is i have too much workload at the end as I cant manage my time. I am still thinking how can I solve this problem?

Anyway, other things are still waiting to be done. I hope that I can finish them as I plan.

Bye for now