Wednesday, June 03, 2009

tired

hi

I was so tired today. There were many things I needed to do for the meeting. Anyway, I feel good that I am a part of it.

But I feel so heavy now. It always happens when things won't go as the way you expect. Mindfulnesss seems to be almost useless. The mind is overwhelmed by some kind of sadness which doesnt really want to go.

I try to understand things as the way they are. But sometime it is so hard to really understand - why it is like that. I might be too stupid for this little silly world.

Hope the world is more kind to me in the future.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Good morning

HI

Now its the morning of Monday. The weather seems to be nice (I cant trust it) and I will start my study very soon.

My study is getting very hard again - a lot of classes, meeting and a paper. But this time I expect myself to write a better paper as I have a clear picture - what to write. Its not very vague like last time. I need to work hard for it anyway.

I also try to meditate everyday. I can almost everyday as I am busy and tired. It is very good for me particularly my mentality as the peace and calmness gained from meditation allow me to see my feeling and thoughts clearly. Then I realize what is the root of my mental problem. We cant solve the problem if we dont know it cause. I really wish that I can deal with things in my liofe better and better.

Yesterday I talked with my Thai friend - Ed. It was nice to talk with him sometime. Now he is in Austria for the traning. I feel funny as when we were in Thailand, we never talk this much. We were too busy esp. him as he is a doctor. I told him about my life here. He said that it seems I have a happy life. I told him that most people said that. We also talked about my boyfriend. He said that he is confident that I can survive this relationship and bring my boyfriend back home. I dont know if he really meant it or he just wanted to say something nice to me. But I am happy to hear that positive words and I will try my best for that.

Hope everyone has a nice week. It just starts.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Life

Hello

This month (May) there are 4 PhD students who pass to the next step: defend their proposal, do the final seminar and conduct the public defense. The most intresting one is the one who graduates - Lu Caizhen. Her thesis (Title: Who Is Poor In China? Comparison of Alternative Approaches to Poverty Assessment in Rural Yunnan) receives distinction. This is very rare at ISS. Only 1 out of 10 got it (there are less than 10 distinction graduates from overall 80 graduates). I really feel congratulated for her and she is one of my in spiration.

Sometime I feel like life is not easy at all, no matter where I am. There is always something that challenges you to deal with it and to pass through it. Challenge comes in many forms. For me, the mentality is the biggest challenge I need to deal with. There are so many unnecessary things that I always take into my mind (as the mind gets used to do it) and let them disturb me. I will have to try to deal with it. I tell myself that I cant change the world or anyone in the world. I just accept it as the way it is and see what happen.

Hope I can survive this hard time.
Good luck for everyone

Thursday, April 16, 2009

General life

Hello

After having been crazy with my paper for a few weeks, I get my life back again. I have submitted my paper to the supervisors in the last 2 weeks and i will meet both of them to discuss about it in the next week. This time i am more relaxed, though still need to think about my paper more and need to read for new classes.

The good thing I did a few days ago is I posted printable CDs and 2 bottles of jam to the Buddhist temple in Italy (Santacittarama Monastery). I am happy to do this as I dont have much chance to do the offering as when I was in Thailand. Robert promises me that he will take me to a Thia temple here, But I still don´t know when as we are busy. Therefore, postal offering is a good option.

I just get a new guitar....again. I bought it on Wednesday. I think I need it as my life has very low level of entertainment which is not good for me in a long term. Thesed days I just want to read some news from the internet which is the only thing I can enjoy myself. I think a guitar might help me to relief some stress from study,

I still need to deal with some emotional stuffs existing from environment sometime. Our mind, feeling, thoughts and emotion work interchangeably all the time. And that affects me. Robert said that try not to be affected by it. I think its impossible as its the nature of the mind. I dont want to control it too much as its not healthy in a long term. Sometime I just see what happen with all mental phenomena and see how it work and finish by itself. But sometime I also need to do something to control if its too much. Its good to learn anyway.

Hope everyone enjoy life durng the long weekend in Thailand.
May peace be with you

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Mindfulness

Hello

These days i dont talk about Buddhism very much. There are so many things to say and think about. My blog becomes more diverse. However, I always think about Buddhism and realize its benefit esp. from mindfulness and meditation.

I have found that I am a real thinker. Actually everyone is, but they dont realize that. And my thoughts can both benefit and disturb me esp. my mentality. Nothing is real...I think.....my memory, my perception, my thoughts about the world, my feel and my emotion. They are related to each other and get some particular consequence due to all those interrelations. Whenever we can realize that, the attachment to the worldly stuffs and will lessened, I guess.

Personally I am always disturbed by my thoughts, feeling and emotion. It happens all the time esp with something that I already believe (thought-memory) or with something that I already memorize, then it is affected and lead to the bad feeling (memory-perception-feeling). I try to be very mindful with all of these by just seeing them until ithey are gone. But sometime I just go crazy with them and cannot do anything. This affects me quite a lot as I cant concentrate on my study very well when it happens.

I just hope that I can dela with it better than this...

Bye

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Bestdealvps

Hello

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http://www.desktop-to-go.com/
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My life now is going a bit crazy. I cant read all my papers as planned. Also there is no good idea coming up.

Some problems disturb me sometime, but I will try to get over it. Otw, I cant study and that is too bad for me.

I think i will try to get things done soon.

Best wishes
Kai

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Congratulations for Dr.Malika

Hi

Yesterday I got a chance to attend the public defend and graduation ceremony of a Ph.D.student at the uni. It was interesting to join (though I was late and didnt have a chance to listen to the public defend).

This student somehow inspires me to study harder as my friend told me that she has studied very hard (never go travelling to anywhere) and can finish her thesis within 4 years, which doesnt happen very often here. It is also interesting for me - how she can manage her life as she also got a family (2 children) that she has to look after and worried about (I dont know if they are here all the time or not-but both choices are not easy at all).

From my experience, its not easy to deal with all those things together - study, family and friends esp. when you have a problem with one of these and esp if you are very sensitive and emotional. A little thing can be a big thing and can disturb a mind and concentration a lot. When I have this kind of problem, I dont know how to deal with it....just cry and wait until its gone by itself. Sometime I think that its a good chance for the mindfulness practice, but I am not quite sure if this is the right time esp if I have to study very hard like this.

It would be good if I can switch on/switch off the perception of my mind so that I can choose what to think/not to think or what to feel/not to feel or what to know/not to know. Life would become more happy, though too much like machine.

Hope you have a nice weekend

Thursday, March 05, 2009

The compassionate teacher


Hello

Sorry (for who - I dont know) that I havent written for a month. I have been very busy for most of the time since the class started. Studying Ph.D. is not easy if you have 16 hrs classes a week. This doesnt include time I need to read for all papers for every class (I dont spend much time on that anyway) and for my thesis.

What makes a student life easy depends on a lot of things - study environment, friends, a partner, supervisor(s) and last but not least - your attitude toward study and your effort you put in it.

I dont want to put every point here as I got no time. What I wanna mention now is my supervisors- Professor.Bert Helmsing and Associate Processor Peter Knorringa, who are very knowlegeable in my topic and very kind to me.

You might say that its their responsibility to support me and tell me what to do. I agree with that. But what I receive from them esp Peter Knorringa is a real help, which I call 'compassion' that a teacher has for his students. In January, he lent me 14 papaers without hesitation that I might not return (I will be here for 4 years anyway). Today he allowed me to look for materials, that might be useful for my paper in his office. I got 10 papers today and I can return them next week. I really appreciate him and I promise him that I will help him organize his folders in the future - when I have more time hopefully. Without his help, I would have spend a lot more time on searching randomly, which might end up with nothing or with some useless papers (as always happen!). If you never do the research, you will never know how much time needed to be spent for searching for information (NOT INCLUDED READING). I think the time I have spent on this is more that the time I have talked with my family and my friends.

I am very happy that I always meet good lecturers and especially supervisors since I studied Master Degree (both at Thammasart University amd Flinders University). This encourages and inspires me to be a good lecturer in the future. They are the role model of my future career.

Thanks for Peter
Best wishes for everyone

Friday, January 30, 2009

My life at ISS

Hello

I intend to write something about my study at ISS. But I am very busy and tired. I dont think I can do it at the moment. I will write about it soon. Its very interesting institution.

Everything is very ok in my life.....read, study, sleep, eat, etc....whatever a human needs, I do it. Life can be both simple and happy at the same time. I dont have much money. I dont do very much shopping (as I am busy and poor). I eat very normal food (rice, vegie and instant noodle). I spend most of my time on studying in my room and at the university (whenever there is a class). I have a few friends here. I also meet Robert only on a weekend. But I am still pretty happy (or I am still very pretty and feel happy about that). Happiness is everywhere around me.

I feel very peaceful here, though I am worried about my study sometime. I think the peace is from the mindfulness - that I dont stay with my thoughts (that are always pessimistic and disturb myself) too much. Also I have a very quiet life - very low contact with other people. AT first I was a bit lonely, but now I love it a lot. Since I have gone to the class, i know and meet more people, but the amount of conversation and social life is still very low, compared with the number of people I have met. My opinion is - the lower contact with people I have, the more peaceful I feel. I dont think this is good for everyone. But I really like my life now.

I wish everyone will be peaceful and mindful like me. Life is good, easy and happy.

Best wishes

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

My new year retreat

Hello
During the long weekend here (since 20th Dec 08 - 4th Jan 09), apart from travelling around to the other cities (Antwerben, Groningen and Zwolle- my second home), I and Robert decided to do the meditation retreat at my home (Den Haag) by ourselves. The reasons are that, fitst of all, the cost of retreat here is incredibly expensive. Second, we can plan for our schedule. I and Robert are pretty advanved (in my opinion) in meditation. We do not really need to follow the strict plan. Something might be able to be adjusted, if necessary. The other reason is we do not need to travel to the other place so that we can save a lot of time and money. Also we can do some study on the other days.

What we did was we observed the 8 precepts, we drew the rough schedule - walking and sitting meditation for 20, 25 and 30 minutes in each period. It was not fully strict like in a temple as we got up a bit late (around 7.30 am) and we still talked with each other.

What happened was pretty ok in my opinion. We could follow the rountine most of the time (except the afternoon of the second day that we were a bit tired and lazy). We didnt have any dinner though we were hungry. The hardest precept is the third one - to avoid any sexual activity. This includes not to touch the opposite sex. I dont need to explain this in detail, but anyone who has a partner around should understand this very well. However, we could pass through all those difficulties.

I dont know what Robert thinks about this, but for me, I really like this homemade retreat. It's a lot different from staying in the temple, that is full of rules and disciplines which can more easily control your body than at home. This means we need to control ourselves, both body and mind. Meditation and mindfulness allowed me to see my feeling, desires, emotion and thoughts a lot more clearly than before.

However, our journey on this noble path is still very long. To start, though with some difficulties is better than never. But rountine practice and mindfulness in everyday life are still important and necessary. I think I still have to improve and practice a lot for this, but I (and Robert) will try our best for this.

May peace be with you all

Sunday, January 04, 2009

A computer


These days, if there is someone asks me 'what do you want to be in the future?' My answer is if I dont have to go back to be a lecturer as I have a contract with the uninersity, I think I want to be a computer.

There are a few reason for this. First of all, I will get a plenty of attention from a lot of people esp. from the person I love.

Second, it needs only little care and concern. There is no need for food, cloths, medicine and love. As long as you dont pour water on it, dont open it when its raining, scan virus and clean sometime, it will last for several years. Its cost is pretty low compared with being a human.

Last but not least, , a computer does not have a feeling and emotion so that it will never be suffering by any kind of thought. It could be harmful by a wrong use, accident and virus (me too actually). But that is occasional. I think people love it enough and will never hurt it intentionally.

From what described above, I think I want to be a computer (LINUX, probably)

SOurce of the photo: http://www.shutterstock.com/

Friday, January 02, 2009

New Year at Scheveningen, the Hague

video

Happy New Year to everyone....

This new Year I am not at home, but the Hague, the Netherlands. I didn't have any celebration. Most of the time during this long weekend (continue from Christmas), I was at home (my home and Robert' home) with Robert. We did 2 days meditation retreat (I will talk about this later) and studied.

During the quiet long weekend, I think Dutch people must get bored with their lives and then decide to do something to enjoy themselves. In the cold morning of the 1st January, a lot of people (more than thousand) went to the beach (called Scheveningen). At 12.00 they ran to the sea (in the water) at the temperature around -3 C.

I dont really understand why they do like that. It was so cold even I already wear 4 layers. Anyway, it was so funny to see people dancing, jumping (to get the body warm) and running back and forth (between the beach and the sea). You can see from the video.

I hope everyone have a good time in the new year.

Best Wishes