Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Today is the 24th December and tomorrow will be the Christmas Day. If I was still in Thailand, this will be a very common day for me - go to work and no celebration. But it's a big day in the Netherlands. People go to visit their family and celebate. It's a chance for them to be together. I guest that it's like 'Song Kran Day' of Thailand or 'the Chinese New Year' for Chinese.
I am now in Zwolle at a home of Robert. I spend most of my time on reading. I went out to the train station to change the money, but I still cant go to the other places. The reason is that I cant remember a road here. I would bring a map with me next time.
SOmetime life is good. Sometime it's boring. SOmetime it is suffering and full of thoughts leading a lot of unhappiness. It's life anyway. I am always wondering how would life be if I am a nun in the forest. Or if I am still at home. Or if I go to study at the other country. I guess that my life will be different (more or less) but it must always be full of the worldly emotion and feeling.
Next year my life will be in pattern til the end of the year - love,eat, sleep, study, travel around. I hope that it will be full of peace and happiness. I really love them.
May peace always be with all of you too....
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I really like this picture. Sometime I feel the same esp. during these days. Most of the time I sit in my room - reading books, checking email and news from Thailand, chatting. I go out sometime but not very often as I dont know very much the places here. I know only a few people - and they are not close enough that I can talk or go out with them. Actually I dont have any friend. Students here just study in their rooms and office. There are some academic activities at the uni - but again, they just come to discuss about something and then go back. The social life is very low. I really feel lonely now....
My close friend told me that it's not easy to be aboard and study. I have to be strong to deal with it. I now realize how it's like esp if you also got some other problem that is not easy to deal with and that distracts you from your study.
I try to remind myself to study hard and try to concentrate on that. But it's not easy as I want it to be. My emotion and mental state are not ready for that......
I miss my family, my sister and my friends at home.
Source of the picture: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e58/lvlaTr1X/lonely-blog.jpg&imgrefurl=http://nimmoe.web-log.nl/mijn_weblog/2008/11/post.html&h=449&w=606&sz=77&tbnid=Sn1x8QkDB7cJ::&tbnh=101&tbnw=136&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlonely%2Bphoto&usg=__S7zqisCZhbRLyY8R7U34EnZKEw4=&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=3&ct=image&cd=1
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Anyway, if everything is forseen or predictable, it wouldnt be 'life'. Or if it's life, it would not be real as it lacks of excitement or interest. But I am thinking if I really need that or not.
Loung Por Cha always said that 'everything is uncertain'. I always remind myself about this- no matter how happy or unhappy I am. But it seems I never really realize it when I am very satisfied with life. The realization just comes with some kind of unsatisfaction.
I hope that in the future I will realize this 'truth' by 'mind', NOT 'thought' as any kind of thought never helps when the real suffering comes. If it could help, it's just a while.....very short time. Then all the suffering just takes over my heart again.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Today is the 12th day I have been in the Hague, the Netherlands. Everything has been settling down - the accomodation, money and bank account (almost done), long stay visa (almost done), transportation (still need to learn a lot), food (still got some problems esp where to buy cheap food and how to get there) and the most important one - study.
My university (Institute of Social Studies - www.iss.nl) is located near the town center. So it is easy to walk to some places like the palace (WOW!), the government house (which is not yet occupied by any protestor...hahaha), the train station, the China town (for food) and some shopping centers (for the window shopping). I am happy with this, though it tires me from walking around with a strong desire not to pay for the bus or tram.
The weather here is not very good for a girl from a humid zone like me. The temperature now is around 0-9 degree with some snow, wind and rain. I need to wear at least 3 layers with hand gloves and fur hat (if I wanna go out at the night time). I saw some snow in China in 2004. This is the second time. I think its more beautiful here as the buildings are nicer (I am sorry for the Chinese - but it's true!).
My study is now starting. I has been assigned to write the direction about my paper. At first I am a bit worried. But I feel better now as I got a lot of useful information in my hand. I just hope I will have time to read all of them. I have found that my concentration is less than before as I havent done a lot of readings like this for a long time (since 2005 I think). I hope I will gain all my study skills very soon.
I also start meditating and chanting again. It's getting better after doing it more often. It helps me a lot esp. for the study and for dealing with some mental diffilculties. It offers me a chance to see what is happening in my mind - feelings and emotions which are very impermanent and non-self. They come and go all the time. The more I see them, the less serious I am with them and the happier I am.
This is the brief detail of my life in the new place. Thanks a lot for all the carings and concerns of everyone around me (I dont think most of them will read this!). I will never forget the purpose of coming here - to study and go back home to do stg for my poor country.
May peace be with you
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I will arrive Amsterdams at 10 am (local time) and Robert will come to see me at the airport.
During these time, there are a lot of problems I have to deal with and there is also a big change - I just resign from my work and I will fly to study. I always regard all those things as a lesson I have to learn.
Since now my life will change a lot. There will be a lot of new things coming into my life and it would be a big challenge for my mindfulness practice and my other skills as well.
I also want to say 'thank you' to Dr.Craig Matheson (or Craigie), the person who have been around me during these four years since I came back from Australia. We have talked a lot and shared a lot of ideas. And that mentally helps me as I like to have someone around. I can work harder because of him. My speaking skill has been improved due to our conversation. There are a lot that I will always appreciate. My success is partly because of him.
Life must go on esp if we already got the destination.....this is what I always think. The change might bring something better or worse...we never know. We just accept what happens with mindfulness and see what to do next.
I will try to update my blog as often as possible esp life in the Hague.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I always think (again) and hope that I will try my best with any kind of relationship.....friend, family, love, colleagues. I think I love them and wanna be good with them esp my family, my close friend and my love. However, there are some limitations for that esp. my time and my personality.
I have found that the older I am, the more time I need for myself to do what I like such as going to the temple, staying at home and have a rest and talking with the persons I love. When it's like that, time is less for other things esp friends. Now I dont have many friends as before. There are only a few people I have contacted with. And actually I dont contact them very often. I like to meet them sometime....but I still prefer to be with myself, my practice, my love and my family.
I think if it's always like this, I will be a 'nobody' person very soon. I just hope that I can deal with that if it's really happen.
Very soon (hopefully), I will go to study Ph.d. in Development Studies at Institute of Social Studies, The Netherlands. I am now just waiting for the approval of the Visa from the Immigration Office of the Netherlands. It has taken a long time and I still got no idea when it will come. I just hope that I will get it soon.
I have found that study is my favorite job. I always do a lot of things at the same time....study, work, do some Buddhist work for the temple, teach etc. Some work is good in term of money ( ie teaching). Some gives me the opportunity to do stg for others (translate Buddhist work). But study open my world and my mind. I feel like my brain is excercising when I am readinga and thinking.
In Buddhism, study gives you the second level of wisdom (Jintamaya Panya) which is the wisdom from thinking and analysing, but not by heart. This kind of wisdom is very useful for the worldly activities. But I am not sure if it's the best for the religious world. Thought is very impermanant. You can notice that your thoughts might change when you are older or when you have new info or when the situation changes. Conflict and arguments arise when people dont realize this point and regard their thoughts as their own 'self' and always feel that it's right.
Anyway, I will never change my mind not to go to study. Thoughts are good as I like thinking. But we have to be mindful of the thoughts if it's getting too much to be restlessness.
I will update my news through this blog (as often as I can). I really hope that you can always be more mindful in everday life.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sorry for being away for a long time. I have been very busy from a lot of things. There is something I can learn from the stressful and busy period, but I really got no time to write.
Actually during these time, I have been very happy due to a very nice relationship. This kind of happiness gives me a lot of energy to work harder. It also makee me calm down and can watch the mind more clearly. The master said that the factor of Samadhi is a happy mind. I think I realize it now.
However, I can also see that mental happiness is still impermanent. It amount changes all the time according to the factors. It comes and goes. I also could notice that it makes the mind heavier than the normal time, though it's not very heavy like in the unhappy time. But there is still something in the mind.
After the crazy 2 months (which might continue), I think it's time to go out again to gain more calmness, which will lead to more minfulness. I dont know how can I live my life without this best friend. Tomorrow evening (Thursday), I will go to Watpananachart and stay there for a few days. i am very happy about this, though I am a bit sick and need a lot of rest. But I dont go, I am not quite sure when I can go there again.
Hope everyone always are always with peace
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I dont have much to talk actually - I am too tired to think of anything.
Everything seems to be important and take some time to deal with.
The silly thing is when all the 'important' things come at the same time, you might get crazy.
Venerable Ajahn Cha said that "everything is so important to us. But what is more important is whether we can 'let go' what is regarded as 'importance' or not."
Probably not, I think....hehehe
May peace be with you all (and me too)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
One of my masters said that Sila is at mind. What he means is it depends on your thoughts and the quality of your mind - if it is on the right track or not. I agree with him. But in my opinion, a person who still cannot deal with some cravings and defilements, observing 5 or 8 precepts is the great way to practice controlling your sensual desire. We can see how the feeling or desire arise and pass away.
One benefit I have found from observing 8 precepts (2 days a week and last rainy retreat) is it is more easy to sacrifice/give up both physical and mental happiness. At first, i need to deal with the hunger in the evening, the desire to entertain myself by TV and radio and and the want to look good by putting cosmetic on a face. Since I can do that, i am more confident to deal with the physical needs as I know that they come and go. The next step is to sacrifice the mental happiness. These days i am patient enough to face mental unhappiness and sadness arising from the disappointment. I am dare enough to say 'no' to 'short term' nice sensual feelings which seem to hurt me in the long term. I feel pity (and still attach) for that nice feeling and I can feel that I like to have it. But the eight precepts teach me to sacrifice it and be patient for the suffering arising in the short term. It's a great chance to see how 'it' come and go.
Both physical and mental happiness are very impermanent. The less attachment we have for it, the more REAL happiness we can get - just from the peaceful mind that is not struggling to get any happiness anymore.
Bye for now...
Monday, July 21, 2008
For me, a tiger is like other beings - that are still in Samsara. It must do something wrong in the last life so that it has to be in the animal realm. Anyway, being a tiger that always has someone to look after or always has a pretty girl (like me) to take a photo with is better than being a fish in a restaurant.
Hope all of them will get a chance to be reborn as a human. Then they might get a chance to learn Buddhism and get a chance to walk on the noble path.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I am so tired today. I have been tired for the whole week. I think I must get older. My life rountine is all the same, but a bit more stressful as there are so many things to worry and think about.
Mindfulness and Buddhism help me a lot due to the feeling of 'letting go'. I think we should try our best in everything. But we have to 'wait and see' as well. Sometime our best we can do is only just 'wait and see' and 'let go' after the best has been done.
Mindfulness helps me to 'wait and see' peacefully and accept the result of everything as the way it is with (hopefully) a happy mind. I am trying to be more brave to be with all happiness and unhappiness arising. It is not easy because normally we try to avoid being with (mental) suffering by doing a lot of things especially changing our attention (mental object) to other things such as listen to music, watch T.V., meditate to calm the mind. This is what we always do when we feel bad. But if we are brave enough to be with sufferings, we will be able to see the nature and real characteristics of the mind, sufferings and all mental states which are suffering, non-self and impermanent. If we always disturb the mental states, we can never see all these things.
Have you have a nice weekend
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I am now sick from a cold. It has started on Thursday. Then it was getting bad. SO I decided to stop working on Friday to have a rest at home.
I notice that it is hard to be mindful when we are sick. The mind is so dull and sleepy. I have tried to do Vedananupassana Satipathana - physical suffering. But to do that well , you have to have strong Samatha meditation until you can see that Vedana (physical and mental suffering) is not you, yourself. It is other thing. But my Samatha meditation is not strong enough. I can watch my mind only a few time and I can see that there is some unhappiness there as I want to get better as soon as possible. I cant work and do things as I have planned. I have to lay down most of the time. However, before going to bed, I still do walking meditation as much as I can. It helps me to be mindful of the body movement esp the main postures such as walk, sleep and sit. I cant say that I am mindful most of the time. But it is better than the past that i was deluded in my thoughts all the time and never be with the present moment.
Ven.Anan Akinjano said that we have to practice meditation a lot. It would help when we are sick. Normal people have unclear and unhappy mind when they are sick. But if we are mindful of it esp the feeling towards the pain such as unhappiness and anger (or be mindful of the physical suffering - if you can), we will never hate any kind of sickness as it is a part of nature. We are more likely to have equnimity towards it. Then the mind will be even more calm and wholesome and mindful as there are no unhappiness and anger there.
Today is a birthday of Craigie......my lovely cute monkey. Hope he has a happy birthday.
Have a good weekend
Thursday, June 05, 2008
I am quite happy today as i have finished the proposal for my future supervisor (Prof. Peter Saunders). I really feel bad about this as I am so late. I am supposed to finish it since last month. But when we are crazy, there is no motivation and concentration to read or work. I dont blame anyone about this, just myself who still cannot let go and have equannimity among both good and bad situations. This is what i really have to improve myself. My life depends mostly (even too much) on the mental happiness. When I am happy, the world is so beautiful and i can work a lot. But when I am sad, nothing is finished. I have noticed it clearly, but I am not strong enough to keep working. And the result is i have too much workload at the end as I cant manage my time. I am still thinking how can I solve this problem?
Anyway, other things are still waiting to be done. I hope that I can finish them as I plan.
Bye for now
Thursday, May 29, 2008
But if something we dont like has happened continuously in one night. That is still acceptable, but hard to stand. Sometime i think that it must mean to happen - to practice my mindfulness.
Last night there was something that made me feel unhappy. I almost cried out. But when I tried to call the other person with some hope that I might feel better. There was no one answer the phone. At that time I felt as I am a 'nobody girl'. Then I can see that there are two unhappinesses at the same time. The mind jumped back and forth between those two things.
At that time, I tried to read my book. But i couldnt concentrate. So I decided to do the walking meditation instead. It was funny that the mind changed it perception all the time - two problems and the body movement. At first, the mind was with unhappiness most of the time. But for a while, it changed to perceive the walking more often.....The mind was light and free when it was with the present moment.
Suffering and unhappiness are very unexpected. They can come anytime. We can never stop them. But they will go as soon as your mind is with the present moment.
I cant fully do it as I am not enlightened yet. These is still a lot of attachment in my mind. But at least, I have been trying.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Today is the first Sunday in the last 4 months that I dont have to teach and go out to other provinces. This is a real holiday, though I still got some work to do esp. my Ph.d.proposal, marking the tests and doing some work for the temple-Wat Marpchan.
I have learned that 'time' and 'freedom' to do what we enjoy are more important than money. I have happily rejected 3 works (teaching and translating work) already because I have been so tired continuously during the last 4 months. There is some regret for money I will get from all those works. But there would be more regret if I got no time to do my own works.
I havent started any work today because i am still lazy and I like to enjoy my free time a bit. I will do the readings this afternoon.
Another happiness is from someone.........whom I have thought of a lot during last month. I still dont know what to do next. But what I can tell myself is - no matter what kind the relationship is and no matter what will happen in the future, as long as there are love, compassion and best wishes we always have/give to each other, we can always have each other and our friendship (at least) can last forever.....I think (and hope).
Hope you have a good weekend
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Normally i dont talk very much about my family, though most of them are quite religious and have been greatly influenced on my Buddhist attitude. But this occasion is too good to miss as my second sister (B) got a chance to take an oath of allegiance in front of the King at his palace in the afternoon of 15th May 2008. This event is the sign that she is a real judge, not a judge trainee anymore. She has fully responsibility to judge a case. In the morning, she and her colleagues took a photo together - and i am her personal photographer. My mom also came to take a photo.
I always think that success in work, study etc is the worldly thing. It comes and goes. This occasion happened and finished in the evening like everything in the world that can never last forever. But somehow success indicates some interesting Buddhist ideas:
KAMMASSAKA KAMMA-DAYADA KAMMA-YONI KAMMA-BANDHU KAMMA-PATISARANA
All living beings are owners of their actions, are heirs to their actions, born of their actions, related through their actions, and live dependent on their actions.
My sister's success today is from the effort she has made during the last 10 years since she has started her life in the Faculty of Law, Dhammasart University. She is the owner and the person who gets the fruit of her good Kamma.
Congratulations with B, my sister
Monday, May 19, 2008
I just came back from Wat Marp Chan. It was great esp the abbot and the place. I have learned stg that will benefit my meditation. I told the abbot that I am now learning to 'watch the mind'. But he can tell that I cant do that well cos my concentration is not strong enough. He also said that I study too much and got too much doubt. I rejected that a bit actually. But I tried to do more 'Samatha meditation' as he has suggested and it helped me a lot to watch my mind clearer. I think I have to meditate a lot more. The destination seems to be far, but i will try my best.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Happy Visakhabuja Day. It was the day the Buddha was born, enlightened and passed away. If there was no Buddha, there was no one giving us the right knowledge to the noble path.
I will go to the retreat at Wat Mab Chan, Rayong this evening and will come back on 19th May. I am quite ok now, though I always feel not very good at the night time - the time I always talk with my friend. I think of him and I miss our Buddhist conversations a lot. But I dont know where he is.... Anyway, mindfulness helps me to be with the present moment rather than sinking in my thoughts all the time - which is the real illusion.
Wishing all of you all the best for this important day.
May peace, happiness and mindfulness always be with you.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Until now I already got more than 6 big packs of used clothes, a pack of instant noodle and medicine from my colleagues. My mom and my sister also collect their clothes for me. The pharmacist I met yesterday also donated a box of saltz powder for diarrhea patients. What impresses me a lot is there is the support from my mail-friend: Mike Saltz. I have never met him or even talked with him. We just send an email to each other to talk about life and meditation sometime. Mike has informed his colleagues (and friends-I am not sure) at his school (probably) about this news and he got some donations for Burmese people. I never expect this before.....But I am very impressed. You can visit his blog at
I am very happy that I can help Burmese people who have been in trouble from the disaster. What I, my family and my friends will give might be only a little percentage compared with overall needs. But it's better than nothing. This is also a chance to let me know - how kind and compassionate my friends, my colleagues and my family are. I think I am so lucky to meet/to be with them.
Update: Overall I have collected 14 packs of used clothes, 5 packs of instant noodle, 3 big bottles (1,000 tablets) of Paracetamol, 2 packs of medicine for diarrhea, 2 big boxes (50 packs in each) of saltz pawder, 3 bottle of Betadine (to heal a wound), 2 packs of button, 1 bottle of alcohol and 400 bath. My friend would rent a truck to Mae-sord (the border between Thai and Burma), then he will go to Yangoon. Then his friend who lives at the disaster place will come to pick the stuffs....I am not really sure about his schedule. But I am confident that all donations will arrive there.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
It's not only his birthday actully, but the birthday of the new meditation center that Venerable has been assigned to be the master there. It is located at Wat Tam Bua tong, Mae Tang, Chiangmai. The place will be opened for a meditation practitioner in the next few months. You can visit his website at http://www.yuttadhammo.sirimangalo.org/.
As the Buddhist, the goal of our life is to do what are useful (or benefit) for ourselves and other people. To make it clearly, to benefit ourself is to try to cultivate mindfulness and wisdom as much as we can. To benefit other people is to help them to have a better life which can be done by giving something to help them such as money, knowledge, life opportunity and etc.. However, the best giving is to give the Dhamma. Venerable Noah is now doing that and (I believe that) he will be doing this for all his life. I really Anumodana for this..
Best wishes for Venerable and the meditation center.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Here is the email I got from my Burmese friend about disaster in Burma. If you wanna donate stg, please contact him by the mobile phone number at the bottom of the message. His name is Kumaralangkara. He lives at Wat Mahatat, Bangkok.
I will go to see him on Monday morning. You might contact me if you want me to pick up your stuffs. My mobile phone number is (66) 89-4905275.
Dear all my friends,How are you?I wish you all safety, good health, and peace in life.I believe you all might be feeling sorry these days,reading recent news about Burmese tragedy caused by the devastating storm,that killed estimated 50,000 people andleft some hundred thousands without food and shelter.Needless to say, the Burmese people living abroad are touched even harder by the news about their homeland.Now, the Burmese working in Thailand are collecting donationsfrom their fellow communities in Bangkok, to help the survivors in the storm-affected areas. However, as most of the them can not go to Burma by themselves due to their workloadthey ask the Burmese monks to go on behalf of them and deliver their supports directly into the hands of those refugees.With this regard, I inform you all of my friends thatsome Burmese monks, (hopefully, including me,) are leaving for Burma around coming Monday (May, 12, 2008), carrying those donated.And I also want to inform that you can share any of your contribution, includingclothe (used ones or any), medicine, food (dried noodle like Mama, Yum Yum etc.) and cash as well.which will directly go into the hands of the poor in suffering.We do not expect to cover needs of all victims, with the little supply we can afford, we can hope to save, at least, certain lives that our cloths, food and water could reach, though. Dhamma cures mental defilements of beings.Food and medicine are urgent need for the hungry and the sick.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
This moring (which is the best time to watch the mind), I have found that I feel much better. The mind still moved to the problem as it always does since I open my eyes. But this moring, the heavy feeling is much less than everyday. It is the first time I become a watcher of the problem, not a player as before. I am not quite sure how long this will last as the mind is non-self. We can never control it and its responses.
I try to think about the conclusion - what should we do when we have a problem that suffers our mind. First, in case that we can stand it, we should watch our mind - how the mind response/react to a problem. From this we will be able to see that the mind perceives all the external senses based all the time. It works all the time. And actually we are not suffered all the time. Yesterday I wanted to talk with my friend. The feeling is so strong till I can notice, However, just 2 minutes later, I have found that I thought about other thing already. The mind already changed its object.
However, if we cant stand the problem or the mindfulness is not strong enough, it's better to look for something to do to change the mind object. We should do things that can relax the body and mind rather than stress them more. We might watch TV, listen to the radio, exercise or take a walk. The body will then relax and so does the mind. The wise solution (in case we need it) will come out when we are calm.
From my experience, any kind of problem wil not last forever. It will be gone. What lasts longer is our attachment (Upadana) and ignorance (Avicca) so that our sufferings are held.
Actually I still got no idea about the solution of my problem. But this time the problem seems not to be the problem anymore. It was what my mind has perceived and clung on and it now becomes what my mind 'lets go' and sees its as the other thing.
Thanks a lot for all the useful suggestions from everyone around me -my sister and my Dhamma friends. During the bad time, I have found that I am not alone in the world. Thanks!
May peace be with you all...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
My friend said that I am suffered because i deny the truth and the nature. What has happened is very common. But the problem is that I dont accept it as the way it is. Ajahn Brahm said that we are suffered when we assume about the world without thinking of its reality. We just look at the side we want it to be, but not its facts. If we see/acccept as the way it is, life will be more peaceful and happy as there is less struggling to change the world. I agree with him.
Anyway, I still dont know what to do next. What I want seems to be differnt from what it should be. I remember one talks of Ven.Jayasaro that sometime we have to be suffered from doing the right thing cos it's not what we want. I totally agree with him, though i cant completely do it.
Feelings and emotions come and go. Mindfulness will allow your mind to see their impermanence, non-self and suffering more clearly.
Sorry....this post is very confusing. I just need to talk. It makes me feel a bit better from thinking of someone and something.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I feel thankful for the problem as it is a great chance to practice mindfulness. It is like a student graduating from the university. He never knows the real world unless he faces it by himself. My situation makes me understand more about the mindfulness and the nature of mind (Citta) as well.
The book 'Tang-ek' 'ทางเอก' or 'the main path' of Ven.Pramote pamotecho says that Citta or the mind got no location. The mind here is not our heart (or our love), but it is the perception through our eyes, ears, skin, tongue, nose and mind. The mind will arise when we perceive something and finish when we change to perceive another thing. For example, when we are walking, seeing and thinking simultaneously, the mind can perceive at leg, eyes and brain- in separating moment (sorry I dont how to explain). I mean if the mind perceives that the legs are walking, it will not perceive what we see and hear. Or if the mind perceives that we are seeing, it will not perceive that we are walking and thinking. This shows that the mind got no location. It is arising and passing away all the time when it perceives and finish perceiving at each internal sense-bases. It happens very fast. This also indicates that the mind is non-self (Anatta) as we cant control it to exist or nor exist.
I can see this yesterday. Most of the time I was sad. But when i have to teach, I have to concentrate on the class. I can see that the mind is moving its perception all the time between the sadness in my mind and the class. When I was thinking and speaking, the mind perceived at my brain and my mouth. Then I needed to listen to my students's answers, just at that moment, my mind jumped back to my feeling and then listened. It happened like this all the time. The perception of the mind was moving all the time. I have found that when I was teaching,listening and walking, I was not that sad. The sadness just arose when the mind perceived it.
This shows that sadness is only Nama or what the mind sees/perceives and then our Avicca starts working. It is the attachment embeded deeply in our mind.
My journey is still far away, but at least I have started and learned how to go. Hope you guy will get a chance to walk on this Noble path like me.
Thanks for the problem ;)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
When I was shocked, my left hand will get numb. It shows me how the body and mind relate to each other. The more I feel, the more the numb is. Also, there will be some pain inside the body. Ajahn Brahm said that when it happens like this, it's better to relax the body first. The mind will then feel better.
My mind is now so heavy. It starts to think of this/that all the time. It tries to think - what should I do, how should I deal with it, what the situation will be in the future......When I notice, it stops, but it then comes back again.
Disappointment and unhappiness seem to happen all the time. There is no way to control the world or even the mind.
If I cant sleep tonight (I am pretty sure that I cant), i will do the walking meditation to see the working of my mind and the mental state. There must be a lot to see tonight.
Best wishes to you all
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I am very keen to go to this retreat as I haven't been to the long retreat for 4 months. I meditate almost everyday but it seems it's not enough. My mindfulness is now running out of petro, which is meditation. I intend to do a good retreat by keeping noble silence.
Thanks a lot for the wishes from Ven.Noah and my friends. Also thanks a lot for the support of my family and colleagues. My mom completely trusts me and always wishes me luck. (I will ask money from her tonight : )) My sister will probably gives me a lift to the bus stop and some money for transporation cost (hopefully). My colleagues and my boss also allow me to go though there is still a lot of work left. They never understand what I am doing, but at least they never stop me.
I must miss everyone a lot, but I will try to be mindful of my thoughts and feeling.
Happy Songkran Day and best wishes for everyone who is both in Thailand and aboard.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
The test today makes me realize the importance of mindfulness and meditation. I was nervous and stressful since last night as there was stg disturbing me. That feeling was gone after a long talk with the friend. However, when I sat in the test room, I can feel obviously that the excitement arose. I decided to change from watching/seeing the mind naturally to controlling the mind instead. I cant let it be as usaual as the stress might affect the test. The result is stress and worries cant disturb me very much. The power of concentration is stronger than all those mental feelings. I think I win for this time.
I know that Samatha is easier than Vipassana. But we need to use/have/practice it sometime. It's very useful in everyday life.
After the test, i relaxed myself by walking around Siam Paragon. It's not a good place for mindfulness as there are a lot of people and noise everywhere. Mindfulness doesnt like this kind of place. But the benefit I got from this window shopping is I can see the rising and falling of my desire to buy or get something. There are some books, cloths, bags and food I wanted to buy. But I cant afford as they are so expensive. For a while, the feeling of 'want' has gone and replaced by new attention. (I now know where the 'mind' is). I couldnt see this very often as there are so many interesting things there. Anyway, I learn that next time, if I wanna buy something, I will wait and see the feeling for a while- to see of I really want it or not. I can then save some money from buying unnescessary stuffs.
Friday, April 04, 2008
yam-picchaü na labhati tam-pi dukkhaü
not to obtain that which one longs for is suffering
To Venerable Yuttadhammo : Thanks for your reply. I am not in Bangkok when you arrive here. I hope to go to Chiangmai in May (probably 17-19 May - I cant leave my work for too long). But as we know that my life schedule is still under the rule of impermanence, this might be changed as well. Anyway I might give you a call before i go to the retreat on 11 April.
This is funny to send a private message via a public blog.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I will be very busy in the next few weeks - til 20th April (I think). It seems I dont have much time to write the blog quite often. There is always stg I think about or stg interesting about mindfulness - but no time to write. Sorry about this.
I will have the IELTS test for my Ph.D.application on 5th April. It's terrible that I dont have much time to do my study - I was sick for 2-3 days and I also have stg to do all the time. The test will depend mostly on my current English skills and the tests I am now practicing. OH! Thanks a lot for Barrie Brown, my Australian teacher who taught me English 6 years ago. He has lent me the IELTS stuffs. This saves me a lot of money. I really appreciates his help. I intend to pay him a dinner after I know the result - no matter what I get.
I will have a meditation retreat on 11-19 April at Petchaboon. It's a part of my Buddhist studies at MCU (www.mcu.ac.th). I have to have 30 days retreat. but I cant do it in one year. So I have divided it into 3 years (10 days per year). And this is the last 10 days I have to have. However, this year I can go for only 9 days as I have a lot of work to finish at my office. i hope that this retreat would be good as (I think) I understand what/how should I do to develop my mindfulness. Hope it's the right understanding.
After the retreat, I intend to start my thesis for MCU and translate another Buddhist book for Ven.Anan Akinjano. I hope i can finish both works soon. In addition, I might go to visit Ven.Noah at his new meditation center, Chiangmai on May. (Hope he allows me to stay there as i will be there only a few days).
Anyway, this is just a rough plan. I can follow this if I pass the IELTS test - my first priority now.
Hope you have a peaceful mind for most of the time
Monday, March 24, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Another good news is i have finished my translating work. It's a book about mindfulness and meditation practice. I have spent 3-4 months on this work as I am busy and lazy sometime. I really feel good about this cos it will be useful for foreigner who is interested in Buddhism. I told my sister and my friends that i dont have much money to offer to Buddhism, just time and energy. And I can do it.....ANumodana with me ka.
I will go to Trang (located in the south of Thailand) this evening and come back on Sunday morning. i dont think I can maintain my mindfulness there. But i plan to meditate when my roomate is sleeping. I will listen to the Dhamma talk on my MP3 player when I am on the way to the place. It takes several hours to be there. I think I will get something from the talk during the trip.
Hope everyone is good.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
An article I read is about the DJ (Puwanart Kunapalin) who has a crazy fanclub. He talked about one of his fanclub who seems to have mebtal problem. She follows him most of the time and that DJ shows obviously that he didnt like her. After having gone for a while, she came back but she didnt want to face him. She hided herself behind a pillar. A friend of that DJ (her name is DJ Napaporn) told him that 'why dont you smile to her a bit, it costs you nothing. But that might be abke to make other people happy for the whole week' (still impermanent in my opinion). That DJ then went to talk with his crazy fanclub. You know? She cried and felt very happy.
The DJ said that love is what everyone can feel, no matter who they are or which conditions they have: some might be mad, some are normal, some are disabled. All of them can feel love and compassion. I tend to believe this though I never prove this by myself.
This story is quite good for me in this time. Actually I am now a bit unhappy about stg. I have been waiting for a call from my friend since Monday (today is Saturday). I thought that he might have a problem about stg and he might need to be alone. (I am not quite sure as I have not got a physic power to read his mind yet). I want to call him but I am afraid that he wont answer my phone and I will feel even worse. I sent him some messages, but rarely get a response from him. Then worry and concern have changed their forms to be anger especially if they never get any response in return. I start to get upset and cant work well since yesterday. I notice that my heart is heavy as there is a big marble in it. Anger is a real suffering.
However, after reading a story about the DJ and his fanclub, I thought of my friend. I cant explain the process of mind working. But I feel like my love and compassion for him is increasing, but with less expectation. The DJ said that everyone can feel love that can cheer up and refresh their heart. I am not sure about that, but what i can tell is a care giver feel good too. When this idea comes up in my mind, I notice that my mind is getting calm and cool as there is some rain in desert. Unhappiness and anger have gradually gone. I am now happy as always.
I really wish you all the best for your life journey. I also wish that your doubts about practices, masters, monkhood and everything will be answered.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Today is a public holiday- it is MakaBuja Day. It was the day the Buddha gave Dhamma talk to 1,250 Arahants who gathered together without any appointment. (Dont ask me that how can they do that - I dont know).
The conclusion of the talk is 'To do good deeds, refrain from doing bad deeds and purify the mind'.
I stayed at home today to have a rest. I went out to buy stg at a shopping center and then I went to a market to buy some animals to free. Today I got 2 eels, 2 catfish and 2 frogs. It's a bit amazing to free frog. I dont like it (it looks discussing). I am afraid that they gonna jump on me. But they were too tired to do so. One of them got a big wound on its mouth. The other one also got a little wound too. There was some blood on their mouth. I hope they will survive from being caught by people around the canal.
By the way, the good thing I can notice when I walk in the shop is I am more mindful when I am walking. I can see the rising and falling of my thoughts/feelings/emotions a bit more clearly. This means I can apply walking meditation in my daily life- which is good. This also means practicing walking meditation everynight is very effective as I can use it almost everytime I am walking. I am happy about this (then be aware of the happiness arising).
Happy Makapuja Day.
May you all be happy and peaceful on this day and everyday.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
It's not a Buddhist day actually. But I like to mention about it a bot.
Love in Buddhist meaning means much wider than love in our understanding. We always use Metta for love and Karuna for compassion. The scope of love and compassion are much more than we realize. It's common that we love our family, friends, partners, pets etc. But how about the stranger? How about other ugly animals? How about out enemy? How about someone who has different opinion from us? How about someone who ever hurt us badly? Metta and Karuna are also for these beings, no matter who/what they are. If you can love them without any hesitation/hatred, that is a real love.
Personally, today is very very common for me. I still have to work till 6-7 pm. Nothing is very special - some special will come very soon I think. Anyway, I did a good deed this morning. i bought 4 snakeheadfish and 2 turtles from a market and freed them at a canal near my house. For turtrles, it seems they are for a person who wants to free animal. But for snakehead fish, I am sure that I have safed their lives. If I dint buy them, they would be reborn sooner or later. I feel good today...
Happy Valentine's Day ka....
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
However, after going to see Ven.Montree on my birthday, I change my mind. Venerable said that if we do sitting meditation and feel sleepy and drowsy all the time, it is the wrong meditation (Michasamadhi) as there are no mindfulness and wisdom there - I agree with him. Moreover, Ven. [....]ah, the Canadian monk told me that we can contemplate four elements from walking meditation. I have heard this along time ago, but never pay attention to it as I can see only lifting and touching my feet on the floor. But this time I am more interested to see it.
Therefore, last night I did walking meditation for 15 minutes - then my shoulder was getting painful and I became very sleepy. So I stopped. However, I have found that, for me, first, it's better to do walking meditation at the night time as if I sit, I will fall asleep very soon because I am so tired from working. Second, I could see the thought rising and disappearing more often than sitting meditation. When I sit, sometime my mind follows the thought and becomes the thought itself - which is a kind of Moha or delusion. I think I was more mindful and awakened this time. I feel like this is a good signal, though I still cant contemplate the foyr elements as Ven'[...]ah said. Anyway,I will practice more and more to see how it's like.
Btw, I have found that when we look at thing separatedly, it will look different from when we see it as a whole. For example, if we see a whole face, the image will be much different from seeing only the eyes on that face....it's probably more funny...hihihi This shows the truth of Anatta - non-self.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Today is my birthday. I am 31 years old in this year. I try to feel good about my increasing age, but actually it's not really like that. I have found more wrinkles on my face, more grey hair on my head and and less energy when I am tired.
It is a quiet birthday actually. There are only a few people sending a message and giving me a call to say happy birthday. But it's ok as all those people are my lovely/lovable/loved people. Thanks a lot for that. AT least I know that on my lonely birethday, I have all of you.
Today I went to see the monk at Prajoubkirikhand. His name is Ven.Pra Montree Apassaro. He is a senior disciple of Ven.Loung Poo Dool Atulo, the disciple of Ven. Mun Bhurdatta. The particular technique of Loung Poo Dool is to simply see the mind that is working, thinking, feeling and considering. Then we will understand the three characteristics of the mind that it is impermanent (the feeling changes all the time), it is suffering (it is not stable) and it is non-self (no one can control it). I wouldn't talk in detail about this teachnique today as I want to talk about my birthday.
Ven.Montree is very great. I can feel his Metta from his eyes and from the ways he answered questions. He has sat for a long time to talk with people coming to visit him. I asked a few questions I was confused such as emptiness in meditation, the right mental object I should use.
He also blessed me to practice well and get enlightened in this life - Sadhu! ka. I will try hard for that.
Other good thing about my birthday is I got a chance to ask my colleaques to make a merit. Normally we will buy a gift to each other. This year they asked me what I want. I told them that personally nothing is needed. I have enough for myself. SO I told them that I want some money to donate to the temple in Chiangmai - www.sirimangalo.org. They need sleeping sheets, meditation sheets, pillows and key lockers. And I got some money from them, including my sister and her friend. I already bought some stuffs yesterday. I really feel good about this. I told my sister that all the stuffs are my birthday gifts - but they are for the temple. This is like double bonus. I got a chance to make a merit and this chance is given to other people. The temple also got necessary stuffs.
Overall, I am quite happy on my birthday. There is only something that made me feel bad. But I won't mention here.
Happy Birthday to me.......
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
We got to the market in the evening - and we went directly to a fish shop. There are a lot of fish there. At first, I intended to buy only 2 eels as it's cheap (10B for one eel). But there are so many kinds of fish at the shop ie snakehead fish (my favorite food), eel, catfish and a plenty of pond snail. They were very ready to be killed as a seller put some of them on a tray (without water). If someone wants it, they just tell the seller to kill and take that death fish bank home to cook. Some might buy alive fish and take it to kill at home at the taste is better.
When I was young, I came to this shop with my dad quite often and I didt feel very bad about the fish's death. But it was different in this time. I look at their eyes and I really felt sorry for them - just imagine that you are waiting to be killed. I am not quite sure if fish can sense or feel scarred or not. But finally, instead of buying 2 eels to free, I bought 6 catfish, 2 eels, 2 snakehead fish and a kilo of pond snail. I and my sister went to a river bank and freed all of them. The feeling arising at that time was the happiness to safe their lives. I saw some of them swiming to breathe on water surface happily - imagine again that you are freed to be bank home.
My friend said that the more fish we buy, the more the seller or a fisherman catch them. So we shouldnt buy them. I agree at some stage. However, if I dont buy them, other will buy and fish will be killed. But if I buy some of them and free their lives, that will prolong their lives a bit esp. if they are female fish, I can safe a plent of lives.
I talked with my sister that 'if we let them die, it would be better for them as they will be reborn quicker'. But she argued that are you sure that they will never come back to be animal or even born in the worse place ie in the hell or be a hungry ghost, as at the moment they die, they are very painful and they must be angry and scarred. I agree with her.
The other point is, according to Tipitaka, to make merit with animals will have 100 times less merit than an unmoral man. To make marit with unmoral man will have 100 times less merit than a moral man - it is life this from a moral man, a normal monk with low discoplines, a monk with high disciplines, Sodapana, Sakadakami, Anakami, Arahant and Sanghadana (merit to a monk community). This means if you want to get high merit with certain amount of money, you should pay more for monks rather than general people or even animal. This is a good practice for me - as I know this quite well, I shouldnt free fish like this as it doesnt give me high merit. But it practices me to sacrifice my selfishness and do not think very much about the merit I will get. It happens sometime that we make a merit with greed that we will get this and that in return. This is an unwholesome mind as it's Lobha. But freeing fish and safe animals' lives practice me to give without expecting to get something back - as only a few merit will be acquired.
Though I am not as fish lover, but I am a fish freer...hihihi
Longer happiness can be gained from helping and giving. I still insist in this idea.
Monday, January 14, 2008
I feel a bit funny with myself that I have tried to cultivate myself - I should not attach to the body very much as it is subject to chanhe all the time. I realize and understand that quite well as I see more wrinkles on my face. There is more grey hair and I get tired more easily than before.
But defilements is much enough to take me to the hairdress shop to do something with my hair. Even though hair is only one part of a body, but I look worse or better because of it. So it's better to do something with it as long as it is still on my head.
I got stg to talk, but no time. And when there is time, i already forgot what to say. That's why I dont post very much. My brain time and my free time are not very consistent.
Have a peaceful mind
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
I feel quite peaceful at home though I didnt go out to have a big celebration anywhere or even to entertain myself as the new year is concidently 'Wan Pra'. So I have to observe eight precepts (I watched a movie a bit at home and I felt not very good after I broke my rules). I also enjoy sending and receiving New Year sms from my friends.
Another thing that made me feel good is I spent 'the count down time' in the shrine room at home. I chanted with my youngest sister. We do like this every year if we dont go out to other place. I always think that the new year is actually the conventional truth - as human need to set it for the convinence of life. But it's still great that we do something good on the first minute of this conventional truth.
I also got a chance to count down with my lovely close friend. He is in Australia where has three and half hours earlier than Thailand. So talking with him did not disturb my chanting time. I got a chance to say 'Happy New Year' to him at midnight time of Australia. We also sang 'Auld Lang Syne' together. It's was quite nice that we got this chance. I told him that I hope we will have another chance to do this in the next new year.
My wish for the coming year, apart from wishing everyone to be peaceful, is I hope that I can cultivate my meditation a lot more. I also want to be more aware of my restless thought arising almost every minute. I have found that mind never stops working even when we are slepping. It comes in a kind of dream. If I can be more mindful of the thought, some kind of sufferings such as loneliness, anxiety will be noticed and withdrawn from my mind more easily.
Another wish that always arises in my mind is I hope to get a chance to contact my 'Loung Nong' again. I want to talk and share my Dhamma experiences with him. i also want to say 'Thank you' to him for many reasons. But it's quite impossible -it's ok anyway. Just let it go : )
Another wish (I am quite greedy) is I hope I can continue the friendship with my new friends I met at Wat Pa - Robert, Khema and Shu shuan. i am very glad to meet them and other people there. We are now walking on the same path, but by different roads as everyone got their own lives- probably old Kamma that will lead us to different ways of lives. I wish that they will be able to fulfill their dreams - which is very similar to me.
Happy New Year to everyone