Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I feel better today (I think). The mind thinks and feels about the problem sometime, but the physical responses such as numb hand or pain inside the body are much less than before. It's good that I have time to calm down myself and think about it.

My friend said that I am suffered because i deny the truth and the nature. What has happened is very common. But the problem is that I dont accept it as the way it is. Ajahn Brahm said that we are suffered when we assume about the world without thinking of its reality. We just look at the side we want it to be, but not its facts. If we see/acccept as the way it is, life will be more peaceful and happy as there is less struggling to change the world. I agree with him.

Anyway, I still dont know what to do next. What I want seems to be differnt from what it should be. I remember one talks of Ven.Jayasaro that sometime we have to be suffered from doing the right thing cos it's not what we want. I totally agree with him, though i cant completely do it.

Feelings and emotions come and go. Mindfulness will allow your mind to see their impermanence, non-self and suffering more clearly.

Sorry....this post is very confusing. I just need to talk. It makes me feel a bit better from thinking of someone and something.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Where is the location of Citta (mind)?

I will talk about mind, not love. There is no love during this day....

I feel thankful for the problem as it is a great chance to practice mindfulness. It is like a student graduating from the university. He never knows the real world unless he faces it by himself. My situation makes me understand more about the mindfulness and the nature of mind (Citta) as well.

The book 'Tang-ek' 'ทางเอก' or 'the main path' of Ven.Pramote pamotecho says that Citta or the mind got no location. The mind here is not our heart (or our love), but it is the perception through our eyes, ears, skin, tongue, nose and mind. The mind will arise when we perceive something and finish when we change to perceive another thing. For example, when we are walking, seeing and thinking simultaneously, the mind can perceive at leg, eyes and brain- in separating moment (sorry I dont how to explain). I mean if the mind perceives that the legs are walking, it will not perceive what we see and hear. Or if the mind perceives that we are seeing, it will not perceive that we are walking and thinking. This shows that the mind got no location. It is arising and passing away all the time when it perceives and finish perceiving at each internal sense-bases. It happens very fast. This also indicates that the mind is non-self (Anatta) as we cant control it to exist or nor exist.

I can see this yesterday. Most of the time I was sad. But when i have to teach, I have to concentrate on the class. I can see that the mind is moving its perception all the time between the sadness in my mind and the class. When I was thinking and speaking, the mind perceived at my brain and my mouth. Then I needed to listen to my students's answers, just at that moment, my mind jumped back to my feeling and then listened. It happened like this all the time. The perception of the mind was moving all the time. I have found that when I was teaching,listening and walking, I was not that sad. The sadness just arose when the mind perceived it.

This shows that sadness is only Nama or what the mind sees/perceives and then our Avicca starts working. It is the attachment embeded deeply in our mind.

My journey is still far away, but at least I have started and learned how to go. Hope you guy will get a chance to walk on this Noble path like me.

Thanks for the problem ;)
Best wishes

Saturday, April 26, 2008


Actually i intend to write about my retreat experience. But there was something shocked me - just in the last half an hour. I cant describe what happen as it's too private to be published. I am now trying to see how does my mind and my body response to it. I try not to control the mind as I always do as it hides the truth about the mind.

When I was shocked, my left hand will get numb. It shows me how the body and mind relate to each other. The more I feel, the more the numb is. Also, there will be some pain inside the body. Ajahn Brahm said that when it happens like this, it's better to relax the body first. The mind will then feel better.

My mind is now so heavy. It starts to think of this/that all the time. It tries to think - what should I do, how should I deal with it, what the situation will be in the future......When I notice, it stops, but it then comes back again.

Disappointment and unhappiness seem to happen all the time. There is no way to control the world or even the mind.

If I cant sleep tonight (I am pretty sure that I cant), i will do the walking meditation to see the working of my mind and the mental state. There must be a lot to see tonight.

Best wishes to you all

Thursday, April 10, 2008

My coming retreat

I will go to the retreat during 11-19 April. I will leave Bkk tonight and will arrive there in the early morning. The place is at Petchaboon. It is the meditation place for MCU students.

I am very keen to go to this retreat as I haven't been to the long retreat for 4 months. I meditate almost everyday but it seems it's not enough. My mindfulness is now running out of petro, which is meditation. I intend to do a good retreat by keeping noble silence.

Thanks a lot for the wishes from Ven.Noah and my friends. Also thanks a lot for the support of my family and colleagues. My mom completely trusts me and always wishes me luck. (I will ask money from her tonight : )) My sister will probably gives me a lift to the bus stop and some money for transporation cost (hopefully). My colleagues and my boss also allow me to go though there is still a lot of work left. They never understand what I am doing, but at least they never stop me.

I must miss everyone a lot, but I will try to be mindful of my thoughts and feeling.

Happy Songkran Day and best wishes for everyone who is both in Thailand and aboard.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Mindfulness and my test day

Today I had the IELTS test. It went well (in my opinion). I am happy with it - though there are some parts that I cant do. Thanks a lot for the wishes I receieve from all my friends. That helps me to be more confident and relaxed.

The test today makes me realize the importance of mindfulness and meditation. I was nervous and stressful since last night as there was stg disturbing me. That feeling was gone after a long talk with the friend. However, when I sat in the test room, I can feel obviously that the excitement arose. I decided to change from watching/seeing the mind naturally to controlling the mind instead. I cant let it be as usaual as the stress might affect the test. The result is stress and worries cant disturb me very much. The power of concentration is stronger than all those mental feelings. I think I win for this time.

I know that Samatha is easier than Vipassana. But we need to use/have/practice it sometime. It's very useful in everyday life.

After the test, i relaxed myself by walking around Siam Paragon. It's not a good place for mindfulness as there are a lot of people and noise everywhere. Mindfulness doesnt like this kind of place. But the benefit I got from this window shopping is I can see the rising and falling of my desire to buy or get something. There are some books, cloths, bags and food I wanted to buy. But I cant afford as they are so expensive. For a while, the feeling of 'want' has gone and replaced by new attention. (I now know where the 'mind' is). I couldnt see this very often as there are so many interesting things there. Anyway, I learn that next time, if I wanna buy something, I will wait and see the feeling for a while- to see of I really want it or not. I can then save some money from buying unnescessary stuffs.

Friday, April 04, 2008

The disappointment

Today I was disappointed by a news from Australia. I can see the rising of it - then it comes out in the form of tera. :' ( My mindfulness is too weak to stop it. Nevertheless, I am ok right now. It's just a part of the world. We are unhappy when we cant get what we want.

yam-picchaü na labhati tam-pi dukkhaü
not to obtain that which one longs for is suffering

To Venerable Yuttadhammo : Thanks for your reply. I am not in Bangkok when you arrive here. I hope to go to Chiangmai in May (probably 17-19 May - I cant leave my work for too long). But as we know that my life schedule is still under the rule of impermanence, this might be changed as well. Anyway I might give you a call before i go to the retreat on 11 April.

This is funny to send a private message via a public blog.