Saturday, July 14, 2007

Friday 13th and my mindfulness

Normally I never believe anything about Friday 13th cos i am Buddhist. But what happened with me yesterday reminded me of the legend of this day. It might me stg concident or it means to happen - I am not sure. But it's bad enough to think about and hard enough to practice my mindfulness.
In the morning, I arrived work late though I waked up early. I waited for my sister as she would go to somewhere near my office and she would pay for a taxi. But she left home too late. A taxi driver dropped me somewhere close to my office, but it's not close enough to get to work on time, though I caught another taxi to work. I was marked as 'Late' which is not good for my promotion in the future. I was a bit unhappy but I thought that it's my fault as I was a person who made a decision. After I got to work, an official who responds for marking 'late' in the checking list told me that one of my colleagues always notices about my arriving time. That person was not happy if I got a chance to sign my name- if I arrive work a bit late. In other word, she would be 'ok' if I a, marked as 'late'. This surprises me a lot cos normally I am good with that person. I am a bit disappointed as i never think that she will do anything that is 'backbiting' like this. My unhappiness arised a bit more and it has been with me for several hours. You might think that this is not too bad. I guess so if there was nothing after that. In the late afternoon, my work submitted to my director was complained that it's not good enough. She said that 'how can you do stg like this?' I met her in the evening and she said to me that 'your work is bad'! I said 'sorry-I will improve it and let you see soon'.
I don't know how would you feel if you would meet stg like this. But after checking and being awared of the feeling. I was surprised that my mind was quite calm. In the morning I was unhappy about my late coming and my colleague. But my opinion about it is 'it's my fault' cos I am late. What I should do is improving myself and coming to work earlier. For what happened in the evening, I was a bit unhappy too. But I told myself that I will try to do a better work next time. Also I should not bind my feeling with someone's emotion esp. my director who is a 'meno pause' woman. When I have these thoughts about people and work, I feel much better than before. However, all unhappiness had stayed for a while and I could see it clearly as you can see dust in clear water. When I see it like this, it cannot disturb me very much-just a bit. Then all the bad feeling has gone at night.
I can tell you that this is the benefit of 'mindfulness' and 'Samma Ditthi' which is the result of mindfulness. I am not very angry/upset and I don't ignore all comments. I also accept them as they's true. I think I should improve myself (I always think like this, but it's hard to do sometime). If this happened in the past, I would be upset at least a few days and complain with people around. I would never accept that it's my fault. But it doesn't happen this time. Bad action and bad thought were stopped. I also see the rising and falling of my feeling which is really impermanent. It changes all the time.
I am so happy with my development. Friday 13th was not too bad as it becomes the day of 'mindfulness'.

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